Someday, I'll pray

When I started bleeding, every doctor I encountered told me this may be God's way of saying this baby just wasn't right. I was instantly angry and furious of the audacity of some people. I understand that talking about God in times of pain is people's “go to” topic. I think for most people, it's supposed to be calming to think or know that God has a plan.

I'm going to say something that a lot of people won't like reading or hearing from me. I know I sound horribly bitter and hell bound (and maybe I am), but I'm angry. I'm hurt. That being said, Me and God aren't on the best of terms. While I appreciate people's well wishes for my family and I (and I really, truly do), I can't help but feel my feathers ruffle when I hear, “Give your pain to God, Jacki.” Or any other slew of phrases I have heard used. And there has been a lot of God talk in the last month.

I can't give this to God. I was told God put me in this position. I'm here to suffer the consequences and pick up the broken pieces that were left behind. The last time I was told God was in charge and he was doing what was best, Hercules was viciously yanked from me. It didn't end that well, so I'm not prepared to make the same mistake again. I prayed harder than I ever have before that Hercules would be safe and the results were far less than favorable. I'm just not ready to believe that if I pray to him I will heal and that the hurting will stop. I'll pray again someday, I'm sure. But today just isn't that day.