I used to rush home after work, anxious to pull up to my home and excited for whatever would come next. Usually, I could anticipate 4 sets of hugs (5 if I was unlucky enough to receive one from Anna). I knew that I wasn't going to be lonely... In fact some times I could go days without having "me" time. And most of the time, I was perfectly alright with that. I loved my noisy, crazy home.
Today, I got done with work and stalled. It's what I've been doing the last couple of days. Stalling. Postponing my arrival to a home that isn't mine. I shopped a little bit (a terrible habit I've brought back to fill my time) and then I drove to a park and stayed there. I turned off my engine, and just waited. I sat and tried to force myself to come up with a handful of positive things. And then even that seemed too hard. "Alright, fine," I told myself. "Just a couple of things." I rattled off the same three things that I always do.
1. My family and friends love me.
2. I have a fantastic job that I love.
3. I'm in a position where I can buy a house.
Two of the three things didn't really provide much comfort. But the first one did. The first one most certainly did. I knew as I was sitting in that parking lot, passing time, that I could have called anyone of my family or close friends. And they would have just listened. I can't ask for much more than that in life.
And so. I'm trying, very, very hard to be stronger and better than I was yesterday or even a couple of hours ago. I tell a lot of people that most of my days are good. But the moments or days that are bad hit me hard. Really hard. And in that moment when life gets hard... it seems (simply stated) unbearable. Everything that has happened to be in the last couple of months surfaces. And it's so much. That being said, I'll work on mixing more of the positive in. There are more than three good things in my life.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
The unnamable feeling
Today is another one of those days. I have this unnamable feeling. The only way I've been able to explain it is like I'm worrying about something that I can't identify. And because I can't identify, every part of my body is trying to help me. I can always feel the onset of the unnamable.
It starts deep in my stomach, like an incurable belly ache. It's a slow throb, that gets stronger the longer and harder I try to put a name or a face to my feeling. It’s a sinking feeling, almost a foreboding. The pain in my stomach morphs into a head ache. I think my brain is just working overtime. It makes it hard to focus on whatever I'm supposed to be doing. Accomplishing anything is improbable, talking is difficult and moving on with whatever it is that is plaguing me is impossible.
The final symptom that develops is a heart ache. My heart physically aches. It doesn’t beat faster or any stronger, but it does seem to just hurt every time it thumps. All of the symptoms combined lead to me. Right now. At work. Trying so hard to focus.
Today is not my day. I have had many days in the past week that were in fact my day, and I don’t mean to sound pessimistic or worry anyone by only writing about these kinds of days. It’s just that the only thing that seems to alleviate the pressure or that unnamable feeling is doing this. Writing.
It starts deep in my stomach, like an incurable belly ache. It's a slow throb, that gets stronger the longer and harder I try to put a name or a face to my feeling. It’s a sinking feeling, almost a foreboding. The pain in my stomach morphs into a head ache. I think my brain is just working overtime. It makes it hard to focus on whatever I'm supposed to be doing. Accomplishing anything is improbable, talking is difficult and moving on with whatever it is that is plaguing me is impossible.
The final symptom that develops is a heart ache. My heart physically aches. It doesn’t beat faster or any stronger, but it does seem to just hurt every time it thumps. All of the symptoms combined lead to me. Right now. At work. Trying so hard to focus.
Today is not my day. I have had many days in the past week that were in fact my day, and I don’t mean to sound pessimistic or worry anyone by only writing about these kinds of days. It’s just that the only thing that seems to alleviate the pressure or that unnamable feeling is doing this. Writing.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Breathe.
Everything is too much today, right now. I feel like I'm being crushed with the weight of everything. I can't explain it any other way. This weight is making it hard to breathe, even harder to remember breathing. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe, and when I do it takes me by surprise. How long has it been since I've last breathed?
And contradictory to what I said up there, I feel nothing. I feel like I'm going through the motions. I drove, I parked, and I'm sure I unbuckled... but I don't remember. I don't know what I've been doing the last 20 minutes, what I've been thinking of. I just feel blank. Exhausted. Breathe, Jacki. Just breathe. In. And out.
If I start thinking again, I'm afraid of what will come. Unstoppable tears and unbearable pain. I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to remember anymore. I'm so tired of feeling hurt and getting hurt and then setting myself up for it to happen again. And again.
My mom told me to be strong, just make it through another day and than another. And I will. But I am so sick of it. I'm so sick of being strong. I'm tired and I'm exhausted. I'm disheartened and angry. I'll be fine, but not today. Today I am not fine.
And contradictory to what I said up there, I feel nothing. I feel like I'm going through the motions. I drove, I parked, and I'm sure I unbuckled... but I don't remember. I don't know what I've been doing the last 20 minutes, what I've been thinking of. I just feel blank. Exhausted. Breathe, Jacki. Just breathe. In. And out.
If I start thinking again, I'm afraid of what will come. Unstoppable tears and unbearable pain. I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to remember anymore. I'm so tired of feeling hurt and getting hurt and then setting myself up for it to happen again. And again.
My mom told me to be strong, just make it through another day and than another. And I will. But I am so sick of it. I'm so sick of being strong. I'm tired and I'm exhausted. I'm disheartened and angry. I'll be fine, but not today. Today I am not fine.
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