Six days ago, my world literally came crashing down around me. I can hardly remember what all was said, because in a matter of moments, I felt like I had shattered. I simply remember Zach's quiet, cautious words as he told me "I'm nervous and scared." From there, everything escalated. Before I knew it, I was on the road to my parents home in tears. I sobbed, uncontrollably as I told myself, this is not what I wanted. This is not what I wanted. It was like I was a broken record. I didn't want to leave my home I had built with Zach or leave the most beautiful boys I had ever known. But I didn't know what to do. All I could think was that I needed to breathe. Wake up. Do something, anything, that would change what was happening to me. To us.

These last few days have been a blur of impulsive decisions and heartbreak. Moments of strength and uncontrollable tears have plagued me. Fear and loneliness, among other things, kept me awake far past my usual bedtime. I have uncontrollable anger at inappropriate and unfortunate timing.

And the last six days, I have had constant reminders that today I will not be getting married. Today, my dad will not be walking me down the aisle. Today, I will not be surrounded by loved ones. Tomorrow, I will not wake up next to my husband. I will not be Mrs. Lien.

I don't have answers for myself, let alone for family and friends. "How are you doing?" I don't know. "What is going on with you and Zach" I don't know. "What happened?" I don't know. "What are you two?" I don't know.

Maybe it's not the tears that plague me but not having answers. I wish I did, but there are a lot of things out of my control right now. This can just be added to the list.

For now, those that are wondering, Zach and I are working on us. On being a couple. On dating. We never took the time for that, to date that is. We jumped right from Iraq to being a parent to three beautiful boys. We forgot that a relationship needs maintenance, especially one as young as ours. I can't promise him, myself or anyone else for that matter that everything will be perfect or near perfect anytime soon. I just know what I need to do to start the process.

This is not what I wanted. This is not what I wanted. But with work, maybe Zach and I can get there. I will try to keep you updated as I figure out what life has planned for me.

Anna Strikes Again

Anna has tried, and succeeded too often (if only momentarily), to escape from the grasp of the Lien family. At first, her attempts were sly, sneaking through a barely open door to visit her weekday boyfriend, Rufus. More recently, her attempts have escalated. She has taken advantage of Austin's weakness, which is trust, on more than one occasion. Just the other day, Austin let her walk to the mailbox. He left her there, came back inside to let us know she was out. When he went to retrieve her, Anna bolted.

Anna is by far the friendliest dog I have ever owned. It is her curiosity that ultimately gets the best of her. Her eagerness to meet other dogs (and I suspect her eagerness to encourage other dogs to revolt against their owners or "stick it to the man") causes her to go to great lengths to escape.

Today, was no exception. After getting home from work, I decided it was the perfect time for Anna and I to go for a nice lengthy walk. After starting out on our walk, I realized many other dog owners had the same idea. Anna, of course, exhibited typical Anna behavior. She gained my trust by being a delightful walking companion. However, shortly after gaining that trust, one her furry cohorts would show up, and Anna would pull me over to meet them. She didn't care if there was traffic, puddles, or other obstructions.

Her last attempt to introduce me to a friend ended in her momentary escape. The clip on her leash broke and she realized she had limitless freedom. The glimmer in her eye said it all. Thankfully, her only plan at the moment was to go to her little friend. I can only assume she was hoping that she could assist the mutt in it's pursuit of freedom as well.

As I dragged Anna the six blocks back to our house (because it was a retractable leash that had broken), I feel like Anna got one last kick in while I was down. She tugged me in towards the road, just as a car drove through a massive mud puddle. Lucky Anna, I shielded her from the mess. Unlucky for me, we still had three more blocks and I was covered in winter sludge.

This is my life with Anna. Just when I think we make some leeway as friends, she does something like this. I love her, but I don't have to always like her.

13 Days

A total of 13 days exist before I become Mrs. Lien. Considering the time frame available, I feel much less panicky than I would have anticipated. I'll make this blog quite short, I really just wanted to touch base with everyone. I'm excited to see you all!

Happy Birthday, Momma!

As I come upon these life altering events, I can't think of parents that could have been more supportive or loving. Considering the circumstances I have thrown you into the last three years, I think you have handled everything gracefully and patiently, like you always have. I've rarely had a time I couldn't call you when I was feeling like the world was against me or when I just needed to hear the reassurance in your voice.

You, more than almost anyone else in my life, have been there. You've watched me struggle, succeed and start the process all over again offering exactly what I needed when I needed it. You've cried with me, laughed with me and sometimes at me. That being said, I found this awhile ago and shared it with Dad. I wanted to wait to share it with you, until it felt like the right time. Now, more than ever, seems like the perfect time to tell you these things, as I continue to grow and learn what it means to raise a family and children of my own. I needed you to know these things. Luckily for me, Elizabeth Knapp said them much more eloquently than I could have ever mustered.

Did I tell you?
A message to a daughter as she is almost grown
by Elizabeth Knapp

Now that you are almost grown I look
back and ask myself. Did I tell you?

Did I tell you all that I meant to tell
you, all that I felt was important.

Did I tell you or was it lost in the shuffle
of our everyday lives. The busy
full days, when we taught and didn't
know it. What did we teach? Was it
strong? Was it good? Will it root you
in something real that will allow you
to grow with a firm and sound foundation?
Did I tell you...

Did I tell you to love, not with a fair
weather love, but with a love that
accepts and cherishes unconditionally.
Love not with a quick and passing
love, but with a love that is a quiet peace
within your heart.

Did I tell you to be thoughtful. Not to be
a martyr or doormat to be trod
upon, but to be aware of other people
and their needs. To meet others with
awareness and within your own frame
work be able to meet them halfway
and on occasion go the other half joyfully.

Did I tell you to be courteous. Not to
display empty manners with no meaning
but to live the courtesy born of caring.
And to express this caring through the
small formalities and customs born of the years.

Did I tell you to be bold. To be not afraid
of the unknown, but to live life to
the fullest and meet each new experience
with joy and anticipation.

And did I tell you to be cautious. To temper
your daring and sense of
adventure with good judgment and consideration.

Did I tell you to serve other people, if
only in a small way. There is growth
and satisfaction in being part of something
larger than yourself and your life
will be richer for knowing this.

Did I tell you to maintain a sense of the past.
To recall and uphold all that is
best and meaningful in our country and
in our society. But never be afraid to
speak out where you don't believe or where
there is room for improvement.
Work for what you believe, but work in a
positive way within a structure of
order and reason.

Did I tell you to find a part of nature
that speaks to you then know it intimately
and well. For some it is a mountain peak,
for some a windswept beach. Find
your own and in it find your restoration.
Did I tell you to laugh, to dance, to sing.
There is a lot in life that is hard, but
take it as it comes and find the good and
make time to dance.

Did I tell you to be creative to explore the
seed within you. Find your creative
spirit and let it grow.

And did I tell you the joy and challenge of
being a woman. The joy of having
a child. knowing and sharing a new life.
The joy of making a home... the
center but not the limit for the lives of those
you love. The joy of exploring a
third dimension..a world of your own...
discovering an fulfilling your own
capabilities.

Did I tell you these things as we went along
the way? If I did I am humbly grateful.
If I did not then, you must choose
for yourself. If it has meaning,
accept it and make it your own. If it does not,
discard it. Your life is yours to
build as you choose.

Breakfast in bed

Today, I can eat my breakfast in bed. I don't generally eat breakfast at all, I'm not a fan of milk so that conflicts with a bowl of cereal. I usually don't even have time between feeding, dressing and then shuttling the boys to their intended destinations and my race to get ready to even consider breakfast.

Bu this morning, I was able to wake up slowly. No feet in my stomach or draped arms suffocating my face. Even Anna let me sleep in today, barely making a peep until I was done with my morning shower.

Zach worked a 16 hour shift last night, so it was strange to fall asleep without him here and wake up again only to find that I was the only one here.

I think that it has been a long time since I have had a morning like this, without stress and without a thing to do until class at 11. I'm starting to find out that I need some me time, even for just an hour a week. It's been kind of hard to come by since I started working.