Dear Hercules,

I still miss you everyday. I felt my stomach today and forgot for a second that you weren't in there. I was so happy until I realized I was mistaken. It's not always like that, but there are milestones I'm starting to really miss with you.

Like today, I was looking at swimsuits. I remember thinking how exciting it would be to have a cute baby bump and to wear a bikini. I've never felt like strutting my stuff in a bikini, but I would have certainly accepted any opportunity to show off that bump. In fact, it would probably be pretty difficult to get me out of a bikini and into more reasonable clothes.

I do alright for the most part. I'm still really angry and upset sometimes, and I hate to admit even that. It's my least favorite part about me right now. It's a trait I would never want to teach you or your brothers. But I am angry. I'm angry at a lot of things and people. And myself. Mostly myself.

I can't get over how I plotted ways to get out of bed or to stay out. I would take extra trips to the bathroom and do anything to stay out of that damn bed. I know everyone tells me that it wouldn't have made a difference, but what if it did? What if bed rest is all your home would have needed to heal? I'll never know, and it's kind of painful thinking I could have changed the outcome.

So I'm angry at myself. And I think that's well deserved. Regardless, I'm not angry all of the time. For the most part, I'm the same Jacki. I bit more sarcastic and sassy. A bit quicker to anger than I would like. But I'm also a much better mom to your brothers. And a better partner to your dad, I hope. You've given me that, Hercules. A foundation to be a better mother and to have a healthier relationship with your dad. I don't know how that foundation was built so quickly, but it was. And I'm ever so grateful that you are looking out for me.