Cause for panic

This whole week, I've been surviving on the premise that this is all temporary. Except for the first day, when I lost all of that blood. Even then, I had a feeling that it would all work out. Hercules would be protected and this would all be just a nightmare.

I was able to do that because I couldn't feel any pain in my stomach. The bleeding had come and gone without any indication of it happening besides of course the blood. I told Zach, after the bleeding had started up again after our second hospital visit, that I wasn't going to worry or even panic. I would save my concern for when I could feel it coming or happening. When I could feel some kind of pain that would call for panic.

Last night provided a cause to panic. I had a bad feeling when I went to bed. When the bleeding initially started last Sunday, the only indication was a terrible back ache. That was all. Nothing more, nothing less. When I went to bed last night, my back was aching and I was feeling really nauseous.

I couldn't have anticipated that I would wake up at 2:31 am to a large amount of blood. I spent the rest of the night holding my lower stomach in pain. Every time I moved, I felt a stab of pain. I couldn't find a way to manage sleeping even remotely comfortably. I prayed that the bleeding and pain would go away, but it's 8:14 and neither have showed any signs of slowing down.

I was prepared to make my case at the doctor's office today. I had a list of reasons why I would be breaking free from bed rest. I would not tolerate a no. I was excited about being able to return to my job, which I genuinely love. And I would finally be able to stop worrying Austin, who tell me every morning and every night, "Maybe you'll feel better tomorrow, Jack? I hope you do."

I don't have any expectations for today or for what the doctor will say at my appointment. I'm just hoping that I make it through today and then the next and the next until this nightmare is over.