Everything is too much today, right now. I feel like I'm being crushed with the weight of everything. I can't explain it any other way. This weight is making it hard to breathe, even harder to remember breathing. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe, and when I do it takes me by surprise. How long has it been since I've last breathed?
And contradictory to what I said up there, I feel nothing. I feel like I'm going through the motions. I drove, I parked, and I'm sure I unbuckled... but I don't remember. I don't know what I've been doing the last 20 minutes, what I've been thinking of. I just feel blank. Exhausted. Breathe, Jacki. Just breathe. In. And out.
If I start thinking again, I'm afraid of what will come. Unstoppable tears and unbearable pain. I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to remember anymore. I'm so tired of feeling hurt and getting hurt and then setting myself up for it to happen again. And again.
My mom told me to be strong, just make it through another day and than another. And I will. But I am so sick of it. I'm so sick of being strong. I'm tired and I'm exhausted. I'm disheartened and angry. I'll be fine, but not today. Today I am not fine.
Jacki,
ReplyDeleteYour mom is right. Just take it one day at a time. I know it sounds hard right now, but it will get better. Hold your head up, you are a very strong, loving person.