More than three

I used to rush home after work, anxious to pull up to my home and excited for whatever would come next. Usually, I could anticipate 4 sets of hugs (5 if I was unlucky enough to receive one from Anna). I knew that I wasn't going to be lonely... In fact some times I could go days without having "me" time. And most of the time, I was perfectly alright with that. I loved my noisy, crazy home.

Today, I got done with work and stalled. It's what I've been doing the last couple of days. Stalling. Postponing my arrival to a home that isn't mine. I shopped a little bit (a terrible habit I've brought back to fill my time) and then I drove to a park and stayed there. I turned off my engine, and just waited. I sat and tried to force myself to come up with a handful of positive things. And then even that seemed too hard. "Alright, fine," I told myself. "Just a couple of things." I rattled off the same three things that I always do.

1. My family and friends love me.
2. I have a fantastic job that I love.
3. I'm in a position where I can buy a house.

Two of the three things didn't really provide much comfort. But the first one did. The first one most certainly did. I knew as I was sitting in that parking lot, passing time, that I could have called anyone of my family or close friends. And they would have just listened. I can't ask for much more than that in life.

And so. I'm trying, very, very hard to be stronger and better than I was yesterday or even a couple of hours ago. I tell a lot of people that most of my days are good. But the moments or days that are bad hit me hard. Really hard. And in that moment when life gets hard... it seems (simply stated) unbearable. Everything that has happened to be in the last couple of months surfaces. And it's so much. That being said, I'll work on mixing more of the positive in. There are more than three good things in my life.