Six days ago, my world literally came crashing down around me. I can hardly remember what all was said, because in a matter of moments, I felt like I had shattered. I simply remember Zach's quiet, cautious words as he told me "I'm nervous and scared." From there, everything escalated. Before I knew it, I was on the road to my parents home in tears. I sobbed, uncontrollably as I told myself, this is not what I wanted. This is not what I wanted. It was like I was a broken record. I didn't want to leave my home I had built with Zach or leave the most beautiful boys I had ever known. But I didn't know what to do. All I could think was that I needed to breathe. Wake up. Do something, anything, that would change what was happening to me. To us.
These last few days have been a blur of impulsive decisions and heartbreak. Moments of strength and uncontrollable tears have plagued me. Fear and loneliness, among other things, kept me awake far past my usual bedtime. I have uncontrollable anger at inappropriate and unfortunate timing.
And the last six days, I have had constant reminders that today I will not be getting married. Today, my dad will not be walking me down the aisle. Today, I will not be surrounded by loved ones. Tomorrow, I will not wake up next to my husband. I will not be Mrs. Lien.
I don't have answers for myself, let alone for family and friends. "How are you doing?" I don't know. "What is going on with you and Zach" I don't know. "What happened?" I don't know. "What are you two?" I don't know.
Maybe it's not the tears that plague me but not having answers. I wish I did, but there are a lot of things out of my control right now. This can just be added to the list.
For now, those that are wondering, Zach and I are working on us. On being a couple. On dating. We never took the time for that, to date that is. We jumped right from Iraq to being a parent to three beautiful boys. We forgot that a relationship needs maintenance, especially one as young as ours. I can't promise him, myself or anyone else for that matter that everything will be perfect or near perfect anytime soon. I just know what I need to do to start the process.
This is not what I wanted. This is not what I wanted. But with work, maybe Zach and I can get there. I will try to keep you updated as I figure out what life has planned for me.
These last few days have been a blur of impulsive decisions and heartbreak. Moments of strength and uncontrollable tears have plagued me. Fear and loneliness, among other things, kept me awake far past my usual bedtime. I have uncontrollable anger at inappropriate and unfortunate timing.
And the last six days, I have had constant reminders that today I will not be getting married. Today, my dad will not be walking me down the aisle. Today, I will not be surrounded by loved ones. Tomorrow, I will not wake up next to my husband. I will not be Mrs. Lien.
I don't have answers for myself, let alone for family and friends. "How are you doing?" I don't know. "What is going on with you and Zach" I don't know. "What happened?" I don't know. "What are you two?" I don't know.
Maybe it's not the tears that plague me but not having answers. I wish I did, but there are a lot of things out of my control right now. This can just be added to the list.
For now, those that are wondering, Zach and I are working on us. On being a couple. On dating. We never took the time for that, to date that is. We jumped right from Iraq to being a parent to three beautiful boys. We forgot that a relationship needs maintenance, especially one as young as ours. I can't promise him, myself or anyone else for that matter that everything will be perfect or near perfect anytime soon. I just know what I need to do to start the process.
This is not what I wanted. This is not what I wanted. But with work, maybe Zach and I can get there. I will try to keep you updated as I figure out what life has planned for me.
Jacki, I just got done reading your post…..Sometimes a heart break is a lesson of life, whether it’s someone you have fallen madly in love with, a child, a loss of a parent or friend…….It’s never easy…….Sometimes we just don’t have the answers that me need to make things better, and in that we let are minds go crazy with why, and what if’s…..Sometimes, you think just one minute a day, one hour a day and one day at a time……months can go by, sometimes years, but with the strength of God we make it through our pain, sometimes taking two steps forward and three steps back, we survive with the strength that we never know we had. I’m not going to tell you that with time it will get better and that everything happens for a reason, but I will tell you that with each day the pain is like an hourglass, but more like one grain of sand a day……..What I do know Jacki is that it will make you into the person that will be understanding, compassionate, and to be able to love like you have never known. Love you…Aunt D.
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