In six months, I've lost a child, a family, and pieces of myself. I've questioned my faith and my values. I've suffered lonely nights, pain unbeknown to most, and unimaginable loss. My eyes have seen more tears and my heart has felt more aches than ever before in my life.

Every time I tell myself I'm not strong enough for this, I somehow make it through another day. Another day turns into a week.Time hasn't softened the feeling of loneliness or the pain of what I've lost. I feel it every time I walk into my room and it's empty. I feel it when I see things that remind me of my loss, which is almost everything. I feel it when I wake up alone and fall asleep the same way. I'll feel it more when I leave here and I'll feel it every time I come back from work to a house that isn't quite a home.

I've found out I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be. Stronger than I thought I'd ever need to be.

I'm here, where I wasn't supposed to be.

I'm here at Camp Robinson, Arkansas. I've been here now for exactly a week. Since I've arrived, I've tried to identify a feeling I have. I expected to come down here and be excited and eager to learn all of the aspects of my job. I didn't really anticipated missing home because my stay here was going to be so brief (just five weeks).

Instead, I have this sinking feeling of sadness and loneliness. It took me until yesterday to fully identify exactly what it was. On my way down here, I couldn't help but tell myself this was a journey I wasn't supposed to take. It wasn't that I didn't want to take it... I mean, the monetary and educational value it provides can't be ignored. It just seems I've had a lot of those journeys lately. Journey's that weren't supposed to happen, but they did.

I've put off writing on here because I just couldn't. Writing on here is an outlet I use to get things straight in my head or to convey a message to my audience. I thought I was getting better and stronger and that I didn't need this anymore, but I think this week I took a couple of steps back.

I miss Hercules so much, especially down here. Its just a constant reminder to me that he's not physically here. If I was still pregnant, I wouldn't be at this school right now. I'd have a full blown baby belly and I'd already have moved onto the maternity ACU's. I'd be glowing and happy.

I'm not happy right now. I'm terribly sad.