Days like today

Days like today are some of the hardest. Most days, I can sit back and giggle at the silly and random things that spew out of their mouths. I can soak in the hugs and numerous kisses that these three little boys shower me with. Most days, I can think to myself "There is nowhere I would rather be than in this moment.

Unfortunately, days like today happen. And unfortunately, they will contiune to happen and I have no control. It's the loss of control that scares me.

Maybe I should give you some backround.

I am the boys Jacki. I am the one who gets them ready in the morning, packs Austin school lunch, buys their clothes, gives them baths, feeds them, and reads them their stories when they are slowly drifting into sweet dreams. I am the one who comforts them and kisses their owies and listens to them sing their made up songs.

I tell the oldest, Austin, almost everyday how lucky he is to have sooo many people that love him. I say "Just think. You have a Jacki that acts and loves you like a mom and you have a mom!"

It's the times in their life that I'm not there that make days like today a little bit difficult. Sometimes, just like today, I have to hear them tell me things that I would never let happen when I was caring for them. I have to hear them say words and sing songs that are not appropriate for boys of their age, or for boys as precious as them. Most times I listen to them tell me these things, and my stomach drops and almost always my heart aches.

All I can do, on days like today, is tell them "I can't control what happens when I am not there, but at Jacki and Daddy's home, we don't say things like that. It just doesn't sound very nice. " Its the loss of control that is the most frightening. I can't save them from what I have no control over.

You are the adult.

"Hey Jacki... do you think we could fill up a huge pool that we could jump into from the tree house?" - Austin.

"That doesn't really sound all that safe, buddy." Me.

"I know. That's because it isn't. But it's a great way to escape!" - Austin.

I have to let you in on a little secret, from one adult to another. For a split second, I thought, "Hey that would be fun!" I was trying to figure out how to make it work. Maybe a trampoline would be better? And then I thought ... wait a minute... Jacki. You are the adult. And that's where the very responsible "that doesn't sound very safe, buddy" came from.

It's been interesting, watching this transformation from being an ordinary twenty year old to responsible mom of three happen. It's not like me being a mom is unexpected to those who know me. Let's face it, I was dreaming of being a grandma long before. You have to be a mom to be a grandma. I'd like to think it's the grace of transition. It just feels so natural to me. I think that is what is so stunning, in my eyes.