My knees haven't graced a pew since September. My feet haven't headed toward the alter and my voice hasn't sang out in jubilee. I call it not being on speaking terms with God. I took a hiatus from prayer and church in an attempt to make sense of things on my own.
People telling me it was a "medical mystery" in response to hearing what happened to me and Hercules really prompted this. I know they meant to give me words of comfort, and that those same words that have been spoken to many grieving people. But they weren't comforting, they were heart breaking. Literally heart wrenching.
Some of my confusion and lack of ability to articulate my feelings on God right now lies in the "medical mystery" vs the "miracle". When it comes to things going wrong, it's a medical mystery. And when things go right, suddenly God is a miracle maker. In my case, it was a medical mystery. I wasn't raised to believe that science is the answer, so saying it is in this case just doesn't sit well with me. How can he be the the cause when things go well but suddenly when things go wrong we blame science?
Growing up an "occasional" Catholic and hearing those words rocked my world. I'm not saying my family wasn't or isn't good Catholics, and that we didn't follow all of the sacraments. I was baptized, communioned, confessioned and confirmed as a Catholic. My parents are god abiding, Catholic people. My grandma loses a bit of herself every time she misses Sunday mass. I was an occasional Catholic in the way I filled the pew with my parents and brothers and sisters whenever I found the time.
I didn't always feel the need to go to church to know what God wanted me to do. I heard his calling from a very, very young age as I coddled and rendered care for every youngster within reach. I nursed every doll I had out of "infancy" into "toddlerhood." As long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom more than anything else. Give me an option between fortune, fame, or motherhood and without hesitation, I would choose motherhood. I knew whether or not I was in church, what it would take to act in a godly way. To show compassion and to give forgiveness without question.
Either way, feeling like even for an instant that me bearing a child wasn't in God's plans (at that time or maybe ever) was enough for me to say enough. With trepidation, I broached the subject of not going to church with my family. I was met with a bit of resistance, but mostly understanding.
Tonight, I made an exception to my church policy. I went to church, with a bit of resistance in my heart and a visible reluctance. Sitting in the pew, I broke down and cried. And by cried, I mean I sobbed. I miss my baby every minute, of every day. And sitting in church, attending "midnight" mass like I have done for 22 years with my family, I realized once again something Hercules wasn't in attendance at. I can't articulate a clear explanation for my feeling tonight.
I guess I just had some things to think about for tonight, poor timing because of tomorrow's date but these kind of feelings don't always take convenience into consideration.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
My speech for Veterans Day:
By my own admission, I am not wonder woman. I am an ordinary woman who chose to do something extraordinary. I believe that everyone who chooses to wear our country's uniform is doing something extraordinary. I’d like to take the time to recognize the extraordinary individuals in this room today. I ask you to kindly stand if you have served or are currently serving in the United States Armed forces. Please, let us applaud and acknowledge the sacrifice these individuals and there family have made.
The veteran’s in this room represent the millions of American men and women who have served over the past two hundred years. This country has been blessed with citizens who have taken their call for freedom seriously. As of 2000, our Census bureau count there is over 26, 403,703 veterans. These soldiers were not seeking personal gain or even fame. Their country called and they answered. Their calling was a simple, patriotic response.
Our nation owes a great debt to its veterans, whose service spans every decade, and continues every day of our country's existence. Through untold courage and sacrifice, America's veterans have secured the liberty which the founding fathers sought to establish here in the new world. Whenever and wherever the nation has called -- in times of darkness and danger as well as in times of peace and prosperity -- America's veterans have been there. Veterans have proudly carried the torch of liberty for all to see.
This Veterans Day, as for the past ten years, our nation is at war. We continue to fight to defend our freedoms and combat terrorism. This calls for us to honor and celebrate both those veterans whose service is recorded in the history in past conflicts, and recognize our current warriors who add to our nation's rich history every day. They are stationed around the world standing in harm's way to protect us at this very moment.
We owe our nation's veterans a debt we can never repay. We can and should remember them and what they did and why they had to be brave for us. But we must honor them with deeds, not just words. So how do Americans properly thank their veterans this day? It can be as simple as thanking a veteran for their service, but that's just the beginning. Americans can thank veterans by taking full advantage of all your rights that they defended. Before you know it, you'll be adults. Vote in every election; volunteer your time for a worthy cause; be a volunteer fire fighter; represent your country well while abroad; ensure you are registered for Selective Service, and, yes, consider serving your nation in uniform. If you are fortunate enough to serve alongside and become a part of the extraordinary individuals, consider yourself blessed. You are part of an elite group of people and your service will be recognized every year to come. Live your lives and be good Americans, then all veterans will be proud to know that their sacrifices were not in vain. This is the thanks Americans can give. Live your lives well, as productive citizens should.
Veterans Day is set aside to remember every man and woman who has taken up arms to defend our country. We honor every extraordinary Soldier, Sailor, Airman, Marine and Coastguardsman who gave some of the best years of their lives to the service of the United States and stood ready to give life, itself, on our behalf. President John F. Kennedy once said that "a nation reveals itself not only by the people it produces, but also by the people it honors, the people it remembers". Twenty-six million extraordinary military veterans walk among us, and on this day, our nation salutes them all. Maple River students and faculty, thank you for your time and attention and thanks to all America's veterans.
Our nation owes a great debt to its veterans, whose service spans every decade, and continues every day of our country's existence. Through untold courage and sacrifice, America's veterans have secured the liberty which the founding fathers sought to establish here in the new world. Whenever and wherever the nation has called -- in times of darkness and danger as well as in times of peace and prosperity -- America's veterans have been there. Veterans have proudly carried the torch of liberty for all to see.
This Veterans Day, as for the past ten years, our nation is at war. We continue to fight to defend our freedoms and combat terrorism. This calls for us to honor and celebrate both those veterans whose service is recorded in the history in past conflicts, and recognize our current warriors who add to our nation's rich history every day. They are stationed around the world standing in harm's way to protect us at this very moment.
We owe our nation's veterans a debt we can never repay. We can and should remember them and what they did and why they had to be brave for us. But we must honor them with deeds, not just words. So how do Americans properly thank their veterans this day? It can be as simple as thanking a veteran for their service, but that's just the beginning. Americans can thank veterans by taking full advantage of all your rights that they defended. Before you know it, you'll be adults. Vote in every election; volunteer your time for a worthy cause; be a volunteer fire fighter; represent your country well while abroad; ensure you are registered for Selective Service, and, yes, consider serving your nation in uniform. If you are fortunate enough to serve alongside and become a part of the extraordinary individuals, consider yourself blessed. You are part of an elite group of people and your service will be recognized every year to come. Live your lives and be good Americans, then all veterans will be proud to know that their sacrifices were not in vain. This is the thanks Americans can give. Live your lives well, as productive citizens should.
Veterans Day is set aside to remember every man and woman who has taken up arms to defend our country. We honor every extraordinary Soldier, Sailor, Airman, Marine and Coastguardsman who gave some of the best years of their lives to the service of the United States and stood ready to give life, itself, on our behalf. President John F. Kennedy once said that "a nation reveals itself not only by the people it produces, but also by the people it honors, the people it remembers". Twenty-six million extraordinary military veterans walk among us, and on this day, our nation salutes them all. Maple River students and faculty, thank you for your time and attention and thanks to all America's veterans.
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