Dear you,
Things have been tough for you lately. You've been feeling kind of lonely and down, like nobody understands you, appreciates you or cares. You can't help but feel overwhelmed with everything that isn't right in your life. Like your happiness is fleeting and your sadness is overwhelming.
It's okay that you're feeling what you are; go ahead and allow yourself to feel it. It isn't fun, but this is life. Your life will not always be easy. In fact, so far, it's been fairly hard. But it WILL get better. And the fleeting moments of happiness will soon morph into permanent happiness.
Continue to write about it. Some day you will look back and recognize how very strong you were and are. Someday, when the happiness you found seems like it's not enough, look back and see where you came from. You will be able to tell yourself that you have survived worse. Once you've written it out, put it away and move on with your day.
Remember that you are a person with your own special talents and character traits. You have a lot to offer the world. Your worth is not measured by the attitude or opinion of others. Be aware of your worth, your gifts and your strengths. You are stronger than you ever imagined. You are beautiful, loving and intelligent. You will be happy and you will make others happy.
Be well and find happiness in all the good things that surround you,
Signed, me
Monday, September 12, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
"The Talk"
Today I finally saw the boys. I've been back from school for almost a month, but I couldn't bear to have a conversation with them just yet. Things between me and Zach were shaky for the first couple of weeks I was back as we tested the waters. Trying to figure out how to be friends while we both work on ourselves. I couldn't talk to the boys without knowing what would happen between me and him. I'm still not sure what will happen, but I knew that I couldn't reenter the boys' lives until I was sure I would be staying awhile. After a lot of talking with Zach and a lot of cancelled meetings to have a conversation with Austin, today Austin, Zach and I finally talked.
That being said, it was the hardest conversation I've had to had. The first thing Austin always does when he hears news that is hard to take is he puts on a tough front. The tough front lasts about as long as it takes for his big blue eyes to fill with tears. It's the most heartbreaking thing to watch.
I have never lied to Austin. Neither white lies nor little lies have crossed my lips to him. Today was the first time I came close. I wanted to tell him that it was all going to be ok and that this was just temporary, but I didn't. I'm not sure that "this" will all be ok, but I know that he will be and I will too. It might be temporary, or it could very well be permanent.
The most important thing that I wanted him to understand was that I love him and his brothers without reserve. They are very important and special little boys. I will be around in their lives for as long as they want me to be. I think for Austin, it was just a source of comfort knowing that I wasn't going anywhere. And it was a source of comfort for me to know that Austin was adamant about me being a part of his life. A different house? Yes. But still reachable for good dream talks and blanket forts? Always.
After the conversation with Austin, we picked up William and Wyatt. It was so wonderful seeing them. They have such a simple way of dealing with things. They were certainly happy to see me, but they didn't really understand how long I was gone. They were just happy to see me, like they always are.
Zach went to work and I took the boys to Minneopa State Park. It's a big park with a nice sized waterfall. We spent the evening there. I'll post pictures as soon as I can find the cord to get them uploaded. The boys were so happy to be outside and I was happy to watch them be happy.
Today was a good day.
That being said, it was the hardest conversation I've had to had. The first thing Austin always does when he hears news that is hard to take is he puts on a tough front. The tough front lasts about as long as it takes for his big blue eyes to fill with tears. It's the most heartbreaking thing to watch.
I have never lied to Austin. Neither white lies nor little lies have crossed my lips to him. Today was the first time I came close. I wanted to tell him that it was all going to be ok and that this was just temporary, but I didn't. I'm not sure that "this" will all be ok, but I know that he will be and I will too. It might be temporary, or it could very well be permanent.
The most important thing that I wanted him to understand was that I love him and his brothers without reserve. They are very important and special little boys. I will be around in their lives for as long as they want me to be. I think for Austin, it was just a source of comfort knowing that I wasn't going anywhere. And it was a source of comfort for me to know that Austin was adamant about me being a part of his life. A different house? Yes. But still reachable for good dream talks and blanket forts? Always.
After the conversation with Austin, we picked up William and Wyatt. It was so wonderful seeing them. They have such a simple way of dealing with things. They were certainly happy to see me, but they didn't really understand how long I was gone. They were just happy to see me, like they always are.
Zach went to work and I took the boys to Minneopa State Park. It's a big park with a nice sized waterfall. We spent the evening there. I'll post pictures as soon as I can find the cord to get them uploaded. The boys were so happy to be outside and I was happy to watch them be happy.
Today was a good day.
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